Communication is the cornerstone of every strong relationship. You will not always agree with your partner, but if you have a foundation of respect and clear communication it will be much easier to resolve any conflicts that arise. Remember the undertone of your energy impacts how you communicate.
It is important that you do not communicate in judgment or from a “know-it-all” position.
Communicate with curiosity and compassion. Use “I” language to support ownership of the experience, and encourage your partner to do the same.
Here are some questions to think about to help you asses how you and your partner communicate:
Creating an intimate and long-lasting relationship takes work. If having an intimate partner is a high priority for you, you can begin to build the foundation by considering the above questions and answering them for yourself. What are your needs? How can you put aside time every week to actively listen without judgment to your partner?
If you build these healthy communication skills into your relationship from the beginning, you will be well-equipped to address problems that arise. You and your partner will know the boundaries and expectations of the relationship.
Tips on How to Build Basic Communication Skills in your Relationship:
When it comes to disagreements or conversation in which tension may be involved, it’s important not only to keep all of the above in mind. But to remember that it’s the relationship that you are in and growing together that matters most. In addition, here are three codes of conduct I recommend incorporating into your communication skills for those more difficult conversations.
Code I - First Response:
The course of a conflict is not determined by the person who initiates, but by the person who
responds. By following the principle of first response, is to take a poorly spoken comment and to redirect it. A gentle answer turns away anger, but a tough word stirs up anger.
Code II - Physical Touch:
It is difficult to act in aggression against someone while you are tenderly touching him or her. A perfect time to apply this principle is when you know you are about to sit down and have a discussion about something that might lead to tension.
Code III: Mirroring:
Understanding can be enhanced if we measure it often throughout a conversation. The point of mirroring is not to be right or to defend yourself, but to know that you are hearing accurately. Seek to understand. Have you ever meant one thing by what you said but the person you were talking to heard something else? Once your spouse makes a point … repeat it to him or her. Say something like this: "So, what I hear you saying is …" or, "Are you saying?" Then, in your own words, tell your spouse what you understand to have been said. Then, you must allow your spouse to either affirm or correct what you've said.
Lastly the most important thing is to not only understand how to communicate, but to put those tools and information into action every day. Just like with everything in life, the more you practice, the better you’ll get.
For more information please contact Crystal at 602.722.5627 or cjarvie@healthstyles4you.com.
by Crystal Jarvie
Crystal Jarvie is certified integrative health coach for HealthStyles 4 You. She focuses not only on nutrition - but also on relationships, physical activity, career and spirituality – and how those five things are connected to your health and vitality. She’ll help you take your health to the next level. For more information, please visit www.healthstyles4you.com.
It is important that you do not communicate in judgment or from a “know-it-all” position.
Communicate with curiosity and compassion. Use “I” language to support ownership of the experience, and encourage your partner to do the same.
Here are some questions to think about to help you asses how you and your partner communicate:
- How frequently do you have a conversation and make eye-contact with no distractions, including television, driving, children, etc.?
- Do you understand your partner’s needs, on a day-to-day basis? When they are struggling with stress? In different situations, like traveling, at parties, etc.?
- Does your partner understand your needs?
- When was the last time you both shared what you appreciate most about each other and the relationship you are in?
- Do you express what you would like to improve in the relationship?
- What decisions do you and your partner agree should be made together?
Creating an intimate and long-lasting relationship takes work. If having an intimate partner is a high priority for you, you can begin to build the foundation by considering the above questions and answering them for yourself. What are your needs? How can you put aside time every week to actively listen without judgment to your partner?
If you build these healthy communication skills into your relationship from the beginning, you will be well-equipped to address problems that arise. You and your partner will know the boundaries and expectations of the relationship.
Tips on How to Build Basic Communication Skills in your Relationship:
- Set the precedent early and make communicating fun. For example, establish a weekly date night and take turns planning. It could be as simple as a picnic in the park, or something new and adventurous, like a rock climbing class!
- Practice acknowledging when your partner goes beyond the call of duty, even for little things, like doing that chore you hate to do. Practice prizing and acknowledging! Celebration is a valuable communication tool.
- Speak honestly about any actions that make you feel hurt, stressed, guilty, or bad in any way, but avoid blaming, shaming, or isolating your partner. Actively listen to one another and have a productive conversation.
- Be open and share your strengths, weaknesses, pet peeves, and preferences.
- Create a safe, judgement-free space for your partner.
- Practice eye contact when speaking, and rephrase what’s being said to be sure you understand each other’s perspective.
When it comes to disagreements or conversation in which tension may be involved, it’s important not only to keep all of the above in mind. But to remember that it’s the relationship that you are in and growing together that matters most. In addition, here are three codes of conduct I recommend incorporating into your communication skills for those more difficult conversations.
Code I - First Response:
The course of a conflict is not determined by the person who initiates, but by the person who
responds. By following the principle of first response, is to take a poorly spoken comment and to redirect it. A gentle answer turns away anger, but a tough word stirs up anger.
Code II - Physical Touch:
It is difficult to act in aggression against someone while you are tenderly touching him or her. A perfect time to apply this principle is when you know you are about to sit down and have a discussion about something that might lead to tension.
Code III: Mirroring:
Understanding can be enhanced if we measure it often throughout a conversation. The point of mirroring is not to be right or to defend yourself, but to know that you are hearing accurately. Seek to understand. Have you ever meant one thing by what you said but the person you were talking to heard something else? Once your spouse makes a point … repeat it to him or her. Say something like this: "So, what I hear you saying is …" or, "Are you saying?" Then, in your own words, tell your spouse what you understand to have been said. Then, you must allow your spouse to either affirm or correct what you've said.
Lastly the most important thing is to not only understand how to communicate, but to put those tools and information into action every day. Just like with everything in life, the more you practice, the better you’ll get.
For more information please contact Crystal at 602.722.5627 or cjarvie@healthstyles4you.com.
by Crystal Jarvie
Crystal Jarvie is certified integrative health coach for HealthStyles 4 You. She focuses not only on nutrition - but also on relationships, physical activity, career and spirituality – and how those five things are connected to your health and vitality. She’ll help you take your health to the next level. For more information, please visit www.healthstyles4you.com.